For 11 years I never gave up on my goal to get off my walking stick and walk unaided completely on my own. After countless attempts over the years I finally built the courage and strength to rely on myself to believe I could do it, this injury is just as much mental as it is physical….
When I walk, it is beyond difficult, I’m constantly thinking about each step, when I walk unaided and someone is talking to me, I can’t hear a word they are saying because, I’m keeping focused on not falling, making sure my feet hit the ground, making sure I don’t walk into things, all this while my legs are fighting to cross over, and I’m fighting my body to stay relaxed.
As well as dealing with all the above, I’m fighting through the pain, I’m fighting all the emotions of knowing people are stopping and staring, the list goes on… But nearly 2 years ago I finally got my head in the right space to “let go of the stick” and to believe that I would be “ok”.
I would find it harder to walk, my walking would be much less as far as distance and stamina, but with time hopefully it would get better. I had to let go of 11 years of fear, humiliation AND focus on how far I’d come and was going to keep going. Not having the cane for a solid week felt so empowering, I felt more independent, yes I was very dodgy and even more people stopped and stared, yes my arms fought me as much as my legs because everything is fighting me, but I felt a little bit more of myself…..
1 week passed then the next thing I knew I wasn’t looking for my cane, I was walking a little further, but every step was still a struggle….
Next thing I knew 14 months had passed and I never once needed my cane. Still I wasn’t walking the distance I could on my cane, but I was achieving more goals… Then without knowing, one morning my knee gave out, simply the result of all the strain, I lost all function of my right leg, I couldn’t even stand on it….
I was back on 2 crutches and stayed on them for nearly 3 months, a month ago I went back on the cane and am currently still using it…. A few years ago I would have felt like I’d FAILED because I’m back on the cane, then I quickly remind myself 4 things…
1… There is someone worse off than me, that would love to have the use of my body, I have no reason to complain..
2… Self pity will get me no where
3.. I haven’t failed, I walked unaided for 14+ months so I know I’ll do it again
4.. This is just temporary and I will continue to get better, stronger & never stop fighting for my goals….
Friends, please never give up on yourself, your goals and dreams. There will be plenty of ups and downs but focus on the positives more, remind yourself of that feeling of euphoria when we achieve something that used to be a goal & now has became reality…….
JW